XELLOS: The Owner's Guide and User Manual
by DDR Freak
Summary: CONGRATULATIONS! You are the proud owner of a XELLOS! In order to keep your XELLOS in top condition and running with relative efficiency, reading this manual is extremely recommended.


_**CONGRATULATIONS!**_

You are now the proud owner of a XELLOS! To ensure the least amount of problems with your new Mazoku, please read the following manual. Please be aware that any mischief your XELLOS may (and will) get into is no fault of the companies responsible for producing him (Kanzaka Co./Zelas-Metallium Corp).

Your XELLOS model should come fully equipped and in an upright position. Please check for all accessories (partial list below) and for any damage to your XELLOS unit during shipping, and that you have been properly shipped the correct unit (XELLOS Mk. I, copyright Kanzaka, 1999-2006).

TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS 

Name: _XELLOS_

Type: Mazoku, Greater 

Manufacturers: Zelas-Metallium Corp., in association with Kanzaka Co.

Date of Manufacture: Um… a while ago.

Hair color: Purple

Eye color: Purple. He matches!

Height: Approx. 177 cm.

Weight: Not that much.

Length: Guaranteed to satisfy.

Note: Your XELLOS will arrive perfectly clean and stylishly dressed in a travelling cloak, shirt, and pants, along with certain accessories. It may, however, be necessary for you to clean your XELLOS in warm, soapy water to ensure adequate lubrication of all moving parts. To do this, remove all clothing and accessories from your XELLOS. It will probably be necessary for you to go into the bath as well, to ensure that all parts of XELLOS are completely and properly lathered. This procedure should be repeated regularly to keep your XELLOS's parts in proper working order.

**WARNING: **If you are married, dating, or have some kind of romantically attached member of one sex or another, be sure that he/she/it is otherwise occupied with car washing/skydiving/underwater basket weaving when engaging in the aforementioned step. Neither the Zelas-Metallium Corp. nor Kanzaka Co., or any other company related with the production of XELLOS models, are responsible for injuries/arguing/broken relationships/broken furniture associated with carelessness and jealous housemates.

ACCESSORIES 

Your XELLOS model comes fully equipped with a variety of stylish accessories, (see _Extended Item List _for details) including a snazzy cloak, shirt, and black pants (all easily removable for your convenience), and a very large staff. (For more information on this item, refer to the _Frequently Asked Questions_.)

OPERATING PROCEDURE 

Your XELLOS has several nifty standard features that come with being a thousand-year-old Mazoku. XELLOS has been designed to be (reasonably) user-friendly and efficient. His controls are voice-activated and he will respond in either English or Japanese. You may also teach your XELLOS commands in any other language you like. Your XELLOS is highly skilled in tongues and will surely prove to be satisfactory in this area.

Aside from his decorative and aesthetic features, XELLOS also has other features around the house:

Messenger: Your XELLOS is highly trained in delivering and receiving messages from several different dimensions. He can pick up kids, the mail, or a rampaging demon monster king and deliver it with (relative) accuracy to the destination of your choice, whether it be the supermarket, the local garbage dump, or the nearest supernova.

History Tutor: XELLOS has had over a thousand years of history that has been recorded into his memory banks. These are perfect for teaching kids about the War of the Monsters' Fall, and about the Monster, God, human, and dragon races. _Warning_: These accounts may be slightly different from the usually…accepted…version of these events. Deal with it.

Magical Instructor: XELLOS has been gifted with amazing and extraordinary magical power. Your XELLOS can teach these powers to you, your neighbor, or your dog at your convenience.

_Warning:_ Zelas-Metallium Corp., Kanzaka Co., and related companies are not responsible for injuries as a result of magical experimenting. There are safer medical treatments for certain things, kiddies.

Physical Activities Director: Your XELLOS model is naturally fit and in perfect working condition. However, XELLOS still needs regular exercise to keep that lovely figure. Such exercise could include skydiving, mowing the lawn, and extreme bedspring testing, the latter of which will keep your XELLOS in good spirits and wonderfully toned.

**PRECAUTIONS:**

Do not expose your XELLOS to strong magnetic fields, high voltage electricity, extreme happiness, justice, or any other positive feeling, or to the GAAV, AMELIA, ZELGADIS, LINA, or FILIA models unless the SLASH or FRIENDLY mode has been activated. Failure to do so may result in harm to either your XELLOS or another model. See _Compatibility _for details.

**COMPATIBILITY:**

There are four modes the XELLOS model can interact in:  
SLASH  
FRIENDLY  
HOSTILE  
BLATANTLY EVIL AND MANIPULATIVE

XELLOS is by default incompatible with the ZELGADIS, FILIA, and GAAV models. However, upon the installation of the SLASH mode, your XELLOS model can effectively interact with the ZELGADIS and GAAV models, so long as they are also set to SLASH. Warning: Do not allow a XELLOS set on SLASH to interact with another model that is not set to SLASH. Failure to do so may result in humorous, although potentially damaging events that Zelas-Metallium Corp. and Kanzaka Co. are not responsible for. Also, any XELLOS model set to MANIPULATIVE for prolonged periods of time renders their warranty null and void. We warned you.

As for the FILIA model… well, you could try it on FRIENDLY mode, but nobody's guaranteeing anything.

LINA models will tolerate XELLOS models on FRIENDLY mode, but only to a certain extent and has a technical fault that will make the LINA model bash the XELLOS model over the head for no apparent reason. ZELGADIS models set to FRIENDLY will tolerate XELLOS models for a very short period of time before engaging in utter destruction. This combination is not recommended, unless you really need to redecorate.

AMELIA models set on FRIENDLY will… well, they'll be AMELIA models. J-U-S-T-I-C-E!

**MAINTENANCE:**

Your XELLOS model is easy to care for and will generally require little maintenance so long as several basic rules are followed.

Regularly bathe your XELLOS. Your XELLOS may also request that you make sure he is adequately cleaned, or request help in bathing. If you do not comply, you are either blind, insane, or both.

**Note- **Dry with a soft towel. Do not tumble dry. Avoid line drying unless you want particularly gossipy neighbors. Zelas-Metallium Corp./Kanzaka Co. are not responsible for slander, libel, damage, or theft as a result of neglecting this notice.

XELLOS models require little to no food to exist, although most models enjoy tea and those fiddly little vanilla tea cake thingies. Should it be necessary, XELLOS models also enjoy whipped cream, chocolate, cherries, and other toppings. Feel free to employ the use of these items as often as required, so long as afterwards your XELLOS model engages in some sort of exercise to keep his trim figure. However, your model will need NEGATIVE ENERGY™ if he cannot produce such nourishment on his own. (see _Frequently Asked Questions _for details)

Remember to plug in your XELLOS at night, or whenever he's not doing something important. Using the built-in cable, plug your model into any general household outlet until fully charged. Once charged, your XELLOS' batteries will last for several hundred years before recharging is necessary. However, various tests have concluded that XELLOS models with a full battery are more vigorous than those without.

**EXTENDED ITEM LIST:**

One (1) Traveling Cloak

One (1) Set Demon's Blood Talismans

One (1) Set Traveling Clothes

One (1) Shnazzy Red Orb Staff

One (1) Additional Outfit- Dark Purple Suit

**FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS:**

_Q. Can I take my XELLOS on vacations or trips?_

A. Yes, XELLOS models are fully equipped to go on any and all excursions. However, be careful that these trips do not put your XELLOS model into the vicinity of a FILIA, GAAV, or VALGAAV model. Serious bruising may result.

_Q. Can I purchase a second XELLOS?_

A. Due to a large demand for XELLOS models, there is a limit of one (1) model per household. Also, as an owner, you must ask yourself- do I really want another XELLOS around the house?

_Q. What is the function of XELLOS' staff?_

A. Whatever you'd like it to be.

_Q. What is NEGATIVE ENERGY™, and why does my XELLOS need it?_

A. Due to the evil nature of Mazoku, the XELLOS models have been equipped with a Dual Aggravation Processor© that enables him to extract the maximum amount of negative nourishment from the environment around him. If, however, your XELLOS model is in an environment where there is little negative energy for him to absorb, you can purchase it from your local retailer in concentrated form. NEGATIVE ENERGY™ comes in four different flavors: "Hatred", "Despair", "Fear", and "Bloody Furious".

**TROUBLESHOOTING:**

**Problem: **Your XELLOS disappears for hours on end and will only reply with 'Sore wa himitsu desu' upon return.

**Solution: **This is a quirk in the XELLOS model that remains unresolved by Zelas-Metallium Corp./Kanzaka Co. The fact that they're not trying to fix it doesn't mean anything at all.

**Problem: **Your XELLOS insists that the only way to keep him safe is to handcuff him to the bedposts.

**Solution: **What's the problem? Follow his request, but don't think for a minute it has anything to do with security.

**Problem: **Your spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend/friend has become irritable, confrontational, and/or has threatened your XELLOS model with violence.

**Solution: **This may happen after a prolonged session with XELLOS models. Send your XELLOS model off on some minor errand and spend time with he/she/it. The situation should resolve itself with some time and clever lies.

**Problem: **Your XELLOS has disheveled hair/clothes (or no clothing at all) and bite marks, coupled with a very smug look.

**Solution: **Search the neighborhood for any ZELGADIS, GAAV, or VALGAAV models. Are any of these models set to SLASH? This might be the problem. Request that your neighbors set their models to another mode, unless you like that sort of thing.

**Problem: **Your XELLOS insists on destroying random pieces of philosophical literature and Bibles.

**Solution: **To stop this destructive behavior, either

1.) purchase handcuffs, whipped cream, cherries, and/or chocolate syrup. Your model will soon be too distracted to engage in such behavior.

2.) borrow a ZELGADIS model or a LINA model while your XELLOS engages in this behavior. He will soon be set straight.

Warning: Do not borrow the ZELGADIS model unless you need some serious redecorating.

**Problem: **Your XELLOS is despondent and/or unresponsive, and cannot be consoled.

**Solution: **Your XELLOS has encountered one of two possible problems:

1.) An area of extreme positive energy/prolonged exposure to AMELIA models. Remove from this area immediately and administer NEGATIVE ENERGY™. Use of handcuffs, whipped cream, and chocolate syrup are also advisable after NEGATIVE ENERGY™ has been given. (**Note**- the application of the latter items is always advisable.)

2.) Zelas-Metallium Corp. has ceased to exist. Should this ever happen, all warranties regarding the XELLOS model are voided. XELLOS models will still function without Zelas-Metallium Corp., but will have automatically unlocked an irreversible program glitch that causes depression, irritability, and attempts at world domination.

**WARRANTY and FINAL NOTE:**

Neither Zelas-Metallium Corp. or Kanzaka Co. are responsible for any mischief that your XELLOS model can (and will) get into. Damages which occur due to negligence in reading this guide are your own problem. Damages that occur due to prolonged MANIPULATIVE mode status are not covered in the warranty and render said warranty as void.

Your XELLOS model is covered in the general warranty for the duration of Zelas-Metallium Corp.'s business operation. Should Zelas-Metallium Corp. cease to exist, any product warranty issued previously will be thereby rendered nullified. The general warranty issued upon purchase of the XELLOS model covers product defects and damages due to malfunction, and will issue a refund or exchange of product for such reasons. Additional warranties may be purchased from your local dealer and include:  
_ZELGADIS warranty_- covers damages due to ZELGADIS models

_LINA warranty_- covers damages due to LINA models

_GAAV warranty_- covers damages due to GAAV models

_Water damage warranty_- covers water damage; a must-have for pool, hot tub, or spa owners.

_Manipulative warranty- _covers damages in of an unspecified and undefineable type. Doesn't really do anything, but costs a bundle and sounds really nice when it's explained.

Your XELLOS model will provide many years of loyal service and enjoyment. To avoid future problems, remember to designate in your last Will and Testament which one of your children will inherit your XELLOS.

Author's Note: The whole Guide idea is attributed to the illustrious Theresa Green. Go read her stuff; it's funny. I am merely a humble writer taking her brainchild into new domains. Hope you all enjoyed. Ja matta!


End file.
